"Hot date with my city"

In a Sex and the City episode, Carrie is telling Miranda what wonderful things she plans to do all around NYC that day. Miranda then asks her "Hot date with your city?" "Yup!" Carrie answers.

I have always watched TV shows in which the characters are comfortable living in an urban setting with awe. I grew up and went to undergrad in a pretty suburban area, so watching people hail taxis and ride the bus and subway to get places always seemed so cool. But I also felt that this urban lifestyle was so removed from everything I knew, and therefore not for me. I never understood why someone would WANT to live in a city, because (in my mind) why deal with the noise and the crowds and the grime and the smog if you can live in a suburban area where there is actually grass and trees all around and not just in a park?

It's funny how life works out. I always thought that I would pursue the avenues of life in a surburban setting, because that is what I'm used to and love. Now I live, work, and go to school in urban Philadelphia. How did THAT happen?! When I first moved here I succumbed to culture shock and chose to stay close to campus and my apartment rather than explore. This is all starting to change, however.

This past Thursday I went to see a Phillies game with P.K. (who is the Pastor at the church I work at). We took the subway down, which was the first time I had taken public transport in Philly. He had season tickets, so the seats were absolutely amazing. Although I'm not a baseball fan, and although I was overwhelmed at first with the thousands of people, the size of the sadium, and the city itself, I realized that I was enjoying myself and wanted to come back again. Needless to say, my reaction surprised me. I'm not a city person, nor a baseball fan. So why in the world did I want to come back?!

The next day I was talking to the Pastor at work. I had heard about a church in a more suburban area that was in need of a youth minister, and someone had urged me to apply. I told the Pastor that maybe once I finish my Masters and I'm more settled in two years I'd want to apply for a similar type of job.

"Oh, in two years you won't want a job like that," he said matter-of-factly.
"Why not?"
"Because you won't want a suburban church. We'll break that out of you. You'll want to stay in a city."
I laughed. "You think so?"
"Oh, yeah. You'll be a city person yet."
I laughed again, but this time the wheels in my brain started to turn. Would I really become a city person?

I had a few friends over on Friday night, and they slept over since two of them take public transport and didn't want to do so at 3am. Kate had to work, so she left around 10:30 on Saturday morning. That left Heather and Jason, who take the subway and bus back to their apartment downtown. They told me that I HAD to come with them downtown to go to this amazing place in Chinatown that has all-you-can-eat vegetarian dim sum. I hesitated, because I knew that if I went I'd have to take public transport back to my apartment all by myself. "Come on!" they exclaimed. "You've lived here 6 months and barely seen Philly!" I realized that they were right. Why was I so scared? I should see the city I live in. So I went.

It was such a great experience. Chinatown was great. The restaurant was cool, and I got to go to the underground supermarket (which is really underground) and see lots of Asian delicacies. And although I was nervous about taking the subway back alone, Jason and Heather pointed me towards the northbound train and it was fine. I found myself appreciating taking public transport alone. I appreciated the freedom it afforded me to move around the city with (somewhat) ease. And I realized that I wanted to explore Philly more, and maybe even go by myself. My fear of the city started to seem silly. I live in the city, so I should see it!

So maybe the Pastor is right. I am starting to like living in Philly, but I am not fully convinced of an urban lifestyle. It will be tough to break my suburban outer shell. But perhaps I am an urban dweller underneath? Only time will tell.

So I was reading for class today, and came across a quotation that bothered me. It is from The Theologia Germanica. Much of what the author says in this book makes lots of sense, but this section on page 66 in Chapter six needs more thought. It reads:

“The person in whom the eternal Good most clearly shines, glows, works, in known and loved, is also the best.
And a person in whom the least of this is found is the least good.
Therefore, when in your dealings and relationships with other persons you apply knowledge of such differences, the best creature turns out to be the most dear to you. You should hold to those persons and choose their company, especially the ones whose ways one attributes to God, namely that they belong to God, are God’s, in goodness, truth, love of peace, righteousness, and the like.
In this manner we can order our outward man and reject and flee from that which wars against the ways of God.”

Well! At first read, one may be apt to agree with this statement pretty quickly. Of course we would want to be around those of us who do good deeds in the world; these people are uplifting and inspire us to do good as well. We may quickly agree that those of us who make themselves a vessel of the eternal Good are the best of the best, simply because they have given their life to doing God’s work rather than running away from it like many others have done. We should seek them out in order to stay in contact with God’s love. It also follows, then, that we should refuse to be in company with those who do not act in God’s loving ways, since they can “bring us down” in spirit.

But wait! Aren’t there some downsides to this thinking? I argue yes! I would even argue there are four main problems with this line of thinking:

1) This type of thinking can breed an intolerance of others that do not follow one’s specific way of thinking about God. By seeking out those who are in contact with the eternal Good, we are also pushing away those people who may be working with the eternal Good in their hearts as well, but in a different way than we are used to. By ignoring others that are deemed “less good,” we are losing the chance to expose ourselves to the many other ways in which God can work in others. Just because someone is not doing God’s work the way we think is correct does not necessarily mean that they are doing evil. The concept of eternal Good can be different for everyone.

2) This way of thinking breeds a superiority complex. If we are constantly seeking out those who attempt to do good in the world like us, and are therefore “the best,” then it follows that there must be those who are “the least” and are of less worth than people like us. How many times have I heard Christians claim that they are better than non-Christians just because they “do the work of Christ?” We Christians are no better than anyone else; we just think and act in a different way because of our faith.

3) This type of thinking has the ability to do away with the opportunities for evangelism altogether. If we are constantly seeking the company only with those who shine with the light of God, how are we to share this light with others who may not have it yet? This, of course, does not mean that we should do the complete opposite of what the author writes and go seek out only those who do not know God; neither extreme is good. There should be an open dialogue between both those who know God and those who don’t. Thus, if we only seek the company of those filled with God, then we are leaving the God-less without God indefinitely. (I should also mention that I am in no way urging people to go and convert everyone to their view of God. People should be allowed to have their own views, thank you very much.)

4) Not everyone who seems to be “shining, glowing, and working” in the name of God actually is. Many people (clergy included) who say and seem like they are doing good in the world for God may actually be doing it for their own benefit. We must always be conscious of the need for discernment when choosing the company of those around us.

In conclusion, neither extreme is good. We should seek the company of people filled with God as well as those who may long to be so filled, and may not know it yet. The author's intentions when writing this statement were well-meaning, but when this statement is followed it can (and has been in the past) become extremely problematic.

Too many rules!
Rules. A necessary evil to keep law and order, or being taken way too far?

This thought occurred to me as I sat in my first class meeting yesterday. As I glanced at the "Writing Requirements for Papers" packet (yes, packet) the professor gave to each of us, I could feel myself starting to tense up. The professor had listed 32 rules that we must follow when we write papers for her. Some of these rules included:

"Be careful about SPELLING... Names and words which are misspelled or incorrectly hyphenated will be costly. Each 6 to 10 errors will take 5% off your grade. If there are many errors... [the paper] will be returned to you to adjust, and THE GRADE WILL BE LOWERED." (Yes, that capitalization was indeed there. I didn't add it.)

"In ANY PAPER, please do NOT evaluate the personality or style of the author. You are to evaluate what the author says, the substance of their thought, not their manner of saying it."

"Note the REQUIRED LENGTH of your paper. Be very careful of the minimum. If you are allowed 10 to 12 pages, that means NO LESS THAN 27 lines OF TEXT on page 10! Page 10 must be completely full or you will receive a comensurate deduction from your grade..." (Again, the capitalization is not mine, but the professor's.)

The professor also listed requirements for specific margins, font size, how the title page should look exactly, what we should and should not include in papers, etc.

Now don't get me wrong, I like rules. I love when people are specific about what they want-- this saves time and energy trying to guess and/or ask details about what the other person wants. Rules and requirements are things that keep our sociey organized. My first response to this packet was dread, and then I realized that this could be a blessing in disguise. I held in my hands the key to making this professor happy, and as long as I followed her rules I should be golden.

While I taught Vacation Bible School last night, however, I started to think about the use of rules. As the children became restless (as children do) I had to yell out the usual rules that we all remember from back in the day: "No running!" "No horseplay!" "Be nice to each other!" "Take turns and share!" As I yelled out each rule, I started realize that our whole lives are run by the rules of others. These poor kids just want to act out on normal childhood impulses, and we adults stifle them. At an early age, rules are pounded into our brains and the list of regulations and demands just keeps growing. Why? To convenience ourselves by making the children's behavior more orderly? Too teach them skills needed in adult society? To make sure that they know what is going on and aren't focused on other things that aren't deemed important? All of the above? I can only wonder if we are stifling children's creativity and enthusiasm by forcing too many rules and restrictions on them.

I myself had a similar experience as I attempted to write my first paper this morning for the professor described above. I had originally thought that I knew how to write a reflection paper. I enjoy writing reflection papers, and had written many of them in the past. This morning, however, my confidence was shattered. I realized that there were so many rules about what reflection papers should be that I wasn't sure if I was doing it correctly. I agonized over each sentence, trying to determine if it was correct. I triple-checked margins and the title page. My joy of writing had turned into a chore. Finally, I was so exhausted with worry that I just wrote the rest of my paper as I normally would, hoping that it would be up to snuff. I realized that, although rules can be beneficial, they can also be detrimental. Even now that the paper is done, I have no idea if what I wrote is what was expected. I can only hope that it is.

The Bible has rules, as does every religion. There are rules for what foods to eat, how to act in specific sacraments and rituals, how to behave, how to live our lives. Our religion shapes everything. As I said before, rules can be good. But when have we gone too far? Many people have left the Catholic Church for other denominations or religions because there are just too many rules. The Catholic theologian Karl Rahner urges the Church to realize that by imposing so many rules, they are stifling the Holy Spirit's movement. By not allowing women who are called by the Spirit to ordained ministry to follow that calling, the Church is squleching the Spirit. Rahner tells the Church "DO NOT STIFLE THE SPIRIT!"

Are we stifling the Spirit by imposing too many rules on ourselves and on others?

Some quotes that have been helpful to me as I try to walk this tight rope of calling and conflict:

For if the eagerness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has-- not according to what one does not have. ~2 Corinthians 8:12
This verse was in the New Testament reading at worship this past Sunday, which was very appropriate considering all I had done that week was freak out beacuse I felt that I'm not "good enough" to be a pastor. I worried that I wouldn't be good at preaching, or listening to others, or writing prayers, or anything else. I failed to realize that if God put this calling in my heart, then I AM good enough. Which segues into...

Then I said, "Ah, Lord God! Truly I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say 'I am only a youth'; for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and you shall speak whatever I command you, Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, says the Lord." ~Jeremiah 1:6-8

My favorite from last night's conversation with Christine has got to be when she said: "Ordination-- if it was easy, everyone would be doing it." It is true that I have to come to terms with the fact that my life may always be messy. Which stinks, for a control freak like me. I thought I had my life all planned out.

God really does laugh when we make plans!

Ok, so I've decided to actually start a blog that I'll keep up to date. My friend Christine inspired me to start this, so here goes. I thought I'd write my first entry while I'm procrastinating a final paper. That seems fitting, somehow.

I am a Theology Grad student in a large city, and that in itself has been an eye-opening experience. First of all, I grew up in a pretty suburban area, so being in a big city was a huge culture shock. I was also a Dance and Dramatic Arts Criticism double major in undergrad, so starting a Masters in Theology was a much different experience. Most people ask me how on earth I went from being a dance and theatre person to a theology student. Haha, I wish I knew how to answer that; I'm not even sure how it happened sometimes. I just chalk it up to God guiding me.

People also don't understand how I am a female Roman Catholic and I am studying Theology. When I tell people what I am getting my Masters in, the most popular response is "Oh, so you're going to be a nun?" Or, if the person knows I am engaged (and therefore not looking to join a convent), I'll get "Um, what are you going to do afterwards? You can't be a priest." (As if I didn't know that already.)

I am currently discerning a vocation in the church, which means many different things for me. As a female Catholic, there are things I am not/can not be called to do, namely ordained ministry. That calling is not open to my gender. This is frustrating to me, as I am realizing more and more a call to ordination. In order to follow this calling, I would have to become a follower of a different Christian sect-- I would have to become Protestant. This has been a continued struggle in my life. Plus, if I were to go to Seminary, I'd be signing on for 4 more years of school. Add the 18 months of school I am already doing for my Masters right now, and that would equal almost as much as a med student! Kinda crazy.

So, I have written my first blog entry. Very exciting! Hopefully people will actually read my blog and comment. Please be patient with me, as I have never used a blog like this before and may need some time to figure out how to use it.